In a little over a month and a half, I’m going to be turning 40. I’m having very stereotypical feelings about it and the current state of my life. I’m finding these feelings a bit odd and I find myself comparing turning 40 to how I felt when I turned 30.
My 20s was a huge time of personal growth. I had spent a good deal of time in therapy, especially dealing with the PTSD of my childhood and its abuse. I had also finally received a diagnosis for the health problems that had been a huge part of my life and was coming to terms with what that meant for my future. I felt that I had a lot to look forward to in my 30s.
Now, I’m about to turn 40 and I feel like I’m struggling with where I’m at in my life. Rationally, I know I’m a pretty spectacular person. I’ve been thrown a lot of challenges in my life, and I know I’ve dealt with them well. Many people dealing with the Ehlers-Danlos are on disability and not able to take care of themselves, and I’ve been mostly on my own since I was 18. I pay my own bills, I live in a good apartment, I have a great job, I’m respected by people in my industry, I managed a move cross-country by myself — I have a pretty decent life. But, there are some pretty big holes in my day-to-day.
Friendships: I have a hard time making friends. Moving to Tennessee has a been a lonely time for me.
Dating & Relationships: Dating has always been difficult for me. My lack of dating history is now a detriment to relationships of its own. I’ve been out on a lot of first dates — not any since I’ve been in Tennessee — but quite a bit over the past 10 years. I know I’m quirky and unique. When you throw in the Ehlers-Danlos and my other health issues, most guys immediately rule me out as undateable.
My Weight: I’ve gone back and forth and back and forth and then back and forth again about whether or not to do weight loss surgery. I’ve made appointments and cancelled them. When it comes to nutrition, I know what I should do, but I struggle to do them. I feel like I’ve done a good job lately of portion control and feel that’s helping. My biggest challenge is getting momentum when it comes to working out. For the first time in months (since moving to Nashville), I finally felt like I was making momentum and then I broke my ankle. The good news is that I’ve been very diligent about my eating the past month and have actually lost a few pounds. This is my big goal to get this on track once my ankle is healed up.