My first week in my 40s

I have officially been 40 for a week. It hasn’t been a great week. 

After two weeks straight of gym-induced muscle pain, my body & it’s crazy auto-immune, Fibromyalgia craziness finally complained and knocked me on my butt. 

I felt pretty good on Sunday and went and picked up veggies from my CSA and did a little grocery shopping. Later that evening, I started to develop a bit of a headache but really didn’t think much of it. 

On Monday, I was miserable. I was having problems with my neck, I was feverish and flushed, I had a really bad headache and overall I just felt icky. I cancelled my appointment at the gym and also didn’t go to a post-PodCamp Nashville debrief meeting I was supposed to attend. I wound up taking a bit evening nap. 

Tuesday was much of the same. Headache, neck pain, general all-over achiness, and just feeling icky. 

Wednesday was similar. I finished work around 6 pm on Wednesday evening and almost immediately went to sleep. I woke up a couple of times throughout the night, but pretty much slept from 6 pm Wednesday until 8 am Thursday. 

The good news is that long slumber and basically taking it *very* easy all week did the trick. On Thursday evening, I started to feel better. On Friday I felt pretty good, too. I went to go my chiropractor and got my neck adjusted. 

I was a bit cranky on Saturday, so I spent the day taking care of some things around my apartment that I had been putting off for a bit (like taking down my Christmas lights). 

My plans for Sunday revolved around going down to Franklin to see my nephew play a soccer game. I also did some laundry on Sunday and got a mailing for work ready to go. 

Here’s hoping my second week in my 40s is better than my first.


Self Worth

I was planning on writing a post this weekend about self-worth. The past couple of weeks at work have been tough. I’ve been super busy, and we hired a new person who has been doing an amazing job. The two collided, and I was left questioning what I was bringing to the table. Was I doing enough? Why was I getting so emotional over things?

It was a pretty tough time.

There have been times in my life, like now, where too much of my self is tied in to my work. If I don’t feel like I’m doing well at work, I have a hard time feeling like I’m doing well at anything. There’s no balance.

On Friday afternoon, I realized a couple of different things. A) I needed to do a bunch of thinking and get my head straight, and B) I needed to not work much over the weekend.

I basically had a “come to Jesus” meeting with myself over the weekend and got my head back on a little straight. I read a couple of books (pure fiction) over the weekend, and I drove out to Modesto to see my brother, sister-in-law and my super cute niece and nephew.

While out in Modesto, I heard the news about Trey Pennington. I’d never met Trey personally, but I had exchanged messages with him on Twitter. I was devastated to hear about his suicide and it made me think even more about the things I had been thinking about earlier in the weekend.

For me, the best way to describe my depression is like the three pigs and the big bad wolf. I have to be constantly vigilant and not let the negative thoughts in. Sometimes, I’m less vigilant and the house is like the “house of straw” and the depression comes barreling in. Other times, it’s more like the “house of wood” and the depression is out there knocking on the door and will sometimes break down the barriers and get in. Most days, I feel like I am living in a house of stone and as much as the big bad wolf is pounding on the door, I’m able to keep him at bay.

My biggest challenge continues to be finding balance. I need to find things outside of work that allow me to feel a sense of self worth. I need to find people I can turn to when the wolf comes barreling in. I’m just not quite sure how to do those things yet.

I Want to Be a Different Person at 40

A couple of weeks ago I turned 38. I’m not much for New Year’s Resolutions, but my birthdays always tend to make me a bit reflective. In two years, I will be 40 and I want to try and make my life better between now and May 2013.

My new chiropractor has this whole “100 year lifestyle” thing going, and one of the things that I realized is that I really have no desire to live until I’m 100. At least, I don’t want to live to be 100 with the life that I have right now.

Thirteen years ago, I moved back to California largely because while I had a great place to live, a good job, was paying off bills and generally doing okay, I felt an emptiness in my life and I wanted to be closer to friends and family. I’m feeling very similar things to my life right now. I like my apartment – even though I hate how much I pay for it every month; I really like my job and the people that I work with; and overall I feel very content. However, I feel very alone and adrift.

I don’t know all the steps that are next in my life. I have a few things that I’m starting to put in motion, but I don’t know where they are going to end up. I figure I have 24 months to make it happen and be a better person at 40.