Month: September 2011

Self Worth

I was planning on writing a post this weekend about self-worth. The past couple of weeks at work have been tough. I’ve been super busy, and we hired a new person who has been doing an amazing job. The two collided, and I was left questioning what I was bringing to the table. Was I doing enough? Why was I getting so emotional over things?

It was a pretty tough time.

There have been times in my life, like now, where too much of my self is tied in to my work. If I don’t feel like I’m doing well at work, I have a hard time feeling like I’m doing well at anything. There’s no balance.

On Friday afternoon, I realized a couple of different things. A) I needed to do a bunch of thinking and get my head straight, and B) I needed to not work much over the weekend.

I basically had a “come to Jesus” meeting with myself over the weekend and got my head back on a little straight. I read a couple of books (pure fiction) over the weekend, and I drove out to Modesto to see my brother, sister-in-law and my super cute niece and nephew.

While out in Modesto, I heard the news about Trey Pennington. I’d never met Trey personally, but I had exchanged messages with him on Twitter. I was devastated to hear about his suicide and it made me think even more about the things I had been thinking about earlier in the weekend.

For me, the best way to describe my depression is like the three pigs and the big bad wolf. I have to be constantly vigilant and not let the negative thoughts in. Sometimes, I’m less vigilant and the house is like the “house of straw” and the depression comes barreling in. Other times, it’s more like the “house of wood” and the depression is out there knocking on the door and will sometimes break down the barriers and get in. Most days, I feel like I am living in a house of stone and as much as the big bad wolf is pounding on the door, I’m able to keep him at bay.

My biggest challenge continues to be finding balance. I need to find things outside of work that allow me to feel a sense of self worth. I need to find people I can turn to when the wolf comes barreling in. I’m just not quite sure how to do those things yet.