What I Believe

One of the reasons why I like road trips is because they give me time to think. I have a very hard time being settled. For example, right now I’m listening to a sporting event playing on another computer while also writing this blog post. I’ve got probably 20+ Chrome tabs open, and this is all in a week that I’m “between jobs”. Driving a car is a good thing for me because I do work very hard on not being distracted. It allows me to think about “big things”.

I’ve really struggled the past couple of years with my faith and what I believe in — and ultimately what that means for my every day life. I still consider myself a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but I don’t go to church. I miss the fellowship and the renewal that comes from attending a church on a regular basis.

A few weeks ago, while visiting Tennessee and getting things ready for the move, I was listening to an interview with Christian Wiman on NPR. It was one of those things that was the exact thing I needed to hear at that time. One of the things he talked about was how lonely he felt at times when we wasn’t attending Church regularly and how hard it was to maintain his faith without that renewal. That’s how I feel. It’s so easy to let other thoughts creep in and to lose your sense of purpose.

But, again, I’m faced with the challenge of what Church to attend. As Mormons, we face an interesting situation in the Christian world. If you believe in the Book of Mormon, and if you believe that there are modern-day prophets it makes attending churches of other faiths challenging. While driving, I decided to come up with a mental checklist of what I believe and where my struggles are, and this is what I’ve come up with:

1. I believe that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and who sent me to this Earth for a reason.
2. I believe I am a daughter of God.
3. I believe that Jesus Christ came to this earth and lived a mortal life and died for us so that we may have eternal salvation.
4. I believe in the New Testament of the Bible.
5. I believe that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and true scripture.
6. I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he restored the Church to the Earth.
7. I believe that the current prophet, Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God.

You may have noticed that I made a distinction that I believe in the New Testament of the Bible, and after thinking a lot about it on this most recent road trip, I think that’s where my challenge with scripture and belief begins (and ends). As much as I try, the Old Testatment is something that I really struggle with. There are so many things that I find inplausible. One of my favorite scenes from my favorite TV shows sums things up really well:

My biggest struggle with the Church right now is the fierce opposition by the leadership of the Church and many Church members to allowing same sex couples to marry. But, more than that, it’s the moral stance that homosexuality is a “choice”. I fundamentally believe that for most members of the LGBT community, their lifestyle is not a choice but is part of who they are and unchangeable.

I still don’t feel like I have the “answer”, but I do feel like I have a better understanding of what to do next.

I am an Introvert — Especially at Work

I’ve known for a long time that I’m an introvert. I pretty much consider myself an extroverted introvert. If you know me — whether your a friend, work colleague, family member, etc. — I’m pretty outgoing. But, settings with people that I don’t know are difficult, I like a lot of “personal” time and I really, really, really need my “me space”.

This need for my “me space” has become almost painful as more and more companies embrace “open workspaces”. It frightens me.

A few years ago, I had to move locations at work. I was having trouble getting up the stairs to my office, and the organization decided to move myself and a coworker down to an office on a lower floor. Thankfully, she was also an introvert and we were both very respectful of each other’s personal space. I think I invaded her space way more than she did mine. Often, we would email each other even though we were sitting within a few feet of each other. It was kind of bliss.

I just recently left a work environment that was more “open concept” — low walled cubicles, two people sharing the same cube, etc. It wasn’t fully an open workspace and kind of mid-way. I really disliked it. I almost would say I hated it. Whether it was the coworker that played his music without wearing headphones or the stuff of another coworker that would find the way into “my space”, it made me really uncomfortable.

There’s a great article from earlier this year in the NY Times about the Rise of the Groupthink and whether or not it’s a good thing. I agree with what the author says about the fact that many of us need solitude — that we work better in solitude.

I’m about to start a new job where I will be working from home and telecommuting 75% of the time. I’m really looking forward to it, although I’m also very cognizant of the fact that I need to find outlets to engage with people in a structured way.

Details about the big move & job change

Now that everything is in motion and “signed, sealed and delivered”, I figured it was finally time to share the details about my big move and job change. 

First, why am I moving? Four or five years ago, I started to feel like California was no longer the place for me. I moved back to California from Maryland in 1998, and it was absolutely the right decision. But, over the years friends and family have moved away, cost of living has continued to climb and the Bay Area no longer felt like home in the way it once had. My first thoughts were that I was meant to move to Utah and the Salt Lake City area. The Checketts live in Utah, one of my nephews lives in Utah with his wife and sons, and lots of friends from the Bay Area live in Utah.

However, as much as Utah was a good choice, it just never felt like the right choice and nothing was coming together. I had interviewed for a couple of jobs and talked to a few recruiters, but nothing came together. While I was interviewing, the job at Care2 happened and I decided to stick it out in California. 

About a year ago, I seriously began to entertain the thought of moving to the Nashville area. My younger sister, Liz, lives north of Nashville and I had visited and really enjoyed being out there. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I started interviewing at a couple of places, but I was being extremely picky. I really wanted to stay in the social entrepreneurship or nonprofit industry and do online marketing full-time. There aren’t a whole lot of job openings like that in Nashville, so things were moving slowly. 

A few months ago, I decided to make a trip to Nashville to meet with recruiters. I also sent a message out to a bunch of friends to let them know that I wanted to move to Nashville and to see if they could make some introductions. Beth Kanter did an awesome thing and sent an email to Jason Falls, who it turned out was holding his Social Media Explore conference at the same time I was going to be in Nashville. It was really, really awesome timing. 

While the trip to Nashville for late April was in the works, I got an email from Sean Powell — who runs The Engage Group. He was looking to add some people to his team and wanted to see if I knew anyone. I broached the topic of me joining The Engage Group, but working from Nashville (their office is in Maryland). He was open to the idea, so things started rolling. The great news was that he was going to be in San Francisco for the NTEN Nonprofit Technology Conference, so I was able to meet with him and Debbie — another member of The Engage Group team. 

My April was a bit crazy. It started down in Los Angeles with a big PR event for Care2 and then I was back up in the Bay Area and spent a couple of days at the Nonprofit Technology Conference. I was pretty confident after my conversations with the folks from The Engage Group that I was going to get a job offer, which changed my trip to Nashville. Instead of job hunting, I spent most of my free time in Nashville apartment hunting and spending time with my sister and her family. While in Nashville, I had a great time at the Social Media Explorer conference and also found an awesome apartment. 

The day after I got back from Nashville, I got the call I had been waiting for and an offer from The Engage Group. I’m going to be an Account Manager and working with awesome nonprofits on their online fundraising, email marketing and other online marketing efforts. 

Things have moved pretty quickly since then. My schedule over the next few weeks: 

• May 4th: Last day at Care2 
• May 7th: The movers are coming to pick up my stuff 
• May 14th: I need to be in Goodlettsville to sign the lease and pick up my apartment keys 
• Week of May 14th: My stuff is going to be delivered 
• May 21st: I’ll be in Columbia, Maryland to start the job with The Engage Group 

I’m super excited for the new job. I’m uber excited to be moving to Tennessee. And, I’m really looking forward to the future. 

Tonight Was “Epic”

1. I got to see the tail end of a sunset over the Pacific. I don’t know why I don’t drive over to Half Moon Bay more often. I feel so centered that close to the ocean.
2. I got to drive on windy roads. I love them. I feel so anxious when driving, especially at night. But, I get such a rush afterwards.
3. I got to attend an amazing event with some amazing people, which I’ll explain below.

I first met Stacey Monk online a few years ago. I can’t remember which online fundraiser I was a part of, but it connected me with Stacey, Sanjay, Epic Change and the awesome Shepherd’s Jr. School. Since then, I’ve attended a couple of in person fundraisers, donate a bunch of money online, help build a website for Shepherd’s Jr. and a bunch of other projects.  Tonight, I got to meet not only Stacey and Sanjay in person, but I also go to meet Mama Lucy (an amazing lady!) and two of the students (Leah and Gideon) from Shepherd’s Jr who are here visiting the states and speaking at various events. It was such a great night, and I’m so excited to continue to be a part of the work Epic Change is doing.

Self Worth

I was planning on writing a post this weekend about self-worth. The past couple of weeks at work have been tough. I’ve been super busy, and we hired a new person who has been doing an amazing job. The two collided, and I was left questioning what I was bringing to the table. Was I doing enough? Why was I getting so emotional over things?

It was a pretty tough time.

There have been times in my life, like now, where too much of my self is tied in to my work. If I don’t feel like I’m doing well at work, I have a hard time feeling like I’m doing well at anything. There’s no balance.

On Friday afternoon, I realized a couple of different things. A) I needed to do a bunch of thinking and get my head straight, and B) I needed to not work much over the weekend.

I basically had a “come to Jesus” meeting with myself over the weekend and got my head back on a little straight. I read a couple of books (pure fiction) over the weekend, and I drove out to Modesto to see my brother, sister-in-law and my super cute niece and nephew.

While out in Modesto, I heard the news about Trey Pennington. I’d never met Trey personally, but I had exchanged messages with him on Twitter. I was devastated to hear about his suicide and it made me think even more about the things I had been thinking about earlier in the weekend.

For me, the best way to describe my depression is like the three pigs and the big bad wolf. I have to be constantly vigilant and not let the negative thoughts in. Sometimes, I’m less vigilant and the house is like the “house of straw” and the depression comes barreling in. Other times, it’s more like the “house of wood” and the depression is out there knocking on the door and will sometimes break down the barriers and get in. Most days, I feel like I am living in a house of stone and as much as the big bad wolf is pounding on the door, I’m able to keep him at bay.

My biggest challenge continues to be finding balance. I need to find things outside of work that allow me to feel a sense of self worth. I need to find people I can turn to when the wolf comes barreling in. I’m just not quite sure how to do those things yet.

“Protect This House”

A friend of mine posted this video to Facebook earlier today. And, it got me thinking a bunch about some things.

If you know anything about Mormon modesty and purity teachings, one of things that is often mentioned is that the body is a temple & a house for the soul. While the body that I was “blessed” with is far from perfect, the damage that my eating habits and other poor choices have done it have certainly not treated it as a temple.

This video is going to be part of my new motivation. How will the choices I make regarding food and other things I put into my body “protect this house”?

The FAQs on The Diet Coke Quest

Starting on August 1st, I’m going to be giving up Diet Coke. For those that know how much Diet Coke I consume on a daily basis, this is a pretty big deal. Because it wouldn’t make sense to give up Diet Coke but then substitute that with other artificial sweeteners (Crystal Light, etc.), my ultimate goal is to give up all artificial sweeteners starting on August 1st. I’m doing this for a number of different reasons and thought it would be worthwhile to list the reasons why I’m doing this.

1. Dependency is bad. I truly believe that dependency on anything is bad. And, right now, I’m dependent on two things – Diet Coke and food. Tackling these two things are necessary to my happiness. In thinking about it, I know that if I tried to tackle the food problem first, it would only make tackling the artificial sweetener issue harder later. I feel that I have a chance to win in tackling both by approaching them in this order.
2. Diet soda causes weight gain and larger waist sizes.
3. Is aspartame a neurotoxin? I don’t know and there’s articles on both sides of things, but it is an interesting question.
4. I need weight loss, and I don’t think I’ll get it without dropping artificial sweeteners. Back on 8/1/2010, I set a quest to go the entire month of August without fast food, specifically without going through a drive thru. In a few days, that one month quest will have stretched in to a year. People always ask me if I feel better, if I’ve lost weight, etc. And, the answer is no. I’m glad I’m not putting that much fat into my system, but I haven’t lost any weight in the past week. I really believe that artificial sweeteners are a large part of the reason why I’ve been stuck.
5. The cost. A low estimate on how much I spend on Diet Coke a week is $30-$40. Some weeks, it might be double that. I know that other people have habits where they spend much more than that per week, but it would be great to eliminate that expense.

I’ve warned people at work that this is going to be painful. And, I don’t really know how it will go. But, I’m going to try and see what happens.

Wish me luck and think good thoughts.